Is that ur G-string, honey?

“Narut näkyy!!” Kiljuu porkkanan värinen kiharapilvi teeskennellen järkyttynyttä. Obviously she isn’t. Huudahduksen kohteena oleva varhaiskypsä suklaasilmä virnistää (feikki on aina feikkiä: limaisen kiiltävät akryylikynnet – häikäisevää, kiharalle kiepautetut viuhkamaiset ripset – stunning, nuorta vartta nuoleva makkarankuori – Veromodaa, kultu!).

 

 

 ”Oho, hups! Näkyy vai?…*thihihihihihihihi*” No totta hemmetissä ne näkyvät. That’s the point! Rinnakkaisluokan kundeillehan pitää olla jotain mitä vilauttaa (though, at that age, guys are more into farting jokes than girls’ figures). Seuraa nopea purppuran punaisten lantiofarkkujen kohotus (toisin sanoen: tuloksetonta vyölenkeistä kiskomista työmiehen hymyn peittämiseksi). Then the magical G-string: kahta kovempaa ylemmäs kiskomista. Tarkoituksenahan ei suinkaan ole niiden piilottaminen vaan päinvastoin – the full frontal is prefered. Snoopy ja Hello Kitty are the “IT”-things nowadays. The ”OFF”-thingeihin lukeutuu mm. Nalle Puh (joka, by the way, sattui olemaan ERITTÄIN “IT” allekirjoittaneen teinivuosina).

 

( http://blog.yoc2008.com/chainchange/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/sugar_lips01-258x300.jpg )

Lemme tell you something about the ultimate IT-bra of the year 1999 – toisin sanoen: designed for girls under 10 years. The IT-rintsikoiden tuntomerkit: a) kuosi EHDOTTOMASTI Winnie the Pooh – tiukka EI Barbielle! b) täytettä enemmän kuin käyttäjällä omasta takaa = mahdollisti kotitekoisten täytteiden (mm. vessapaperi) pois jättämisen ja lisäksi, antoi hyväuskoisille, pieruvitsi-ikäisille miehenaluille täysin uskottavan kuvan boobsien aitoudesta. Finally: The IT-bra was worn ONLY by the Ultimate Chicks of the class. The Paris Hilton-kasti. Ne nuoret neidit, jotka eivät kuuluneet kyseiseen ryhmään, saivat tyytyä Martta-mummon ostamiin, vaaleanpunaisiin lörörintsikoihin, joissa a) oli AINA vaaleanpunainen hörhelörusetti ja b) EI MISSÄÄN NIMESSÄ minkäänlaatuista täytettä.

 

Back to the G-string situation. Kulloinenkin The IT-bra + G-string = ikiaikainen resepti glitterikastin menestykseen. Yksilö = Glitteribarbi. Eroavat akvaarioasukkeina viihtyvistä leväbarbeista vain sikäli, etteivät varsinaiselta luokitukseltaan kuulu kaloihin vaan maalla eläviin nisäkkäisiin. Muutoin ovat ulkoiselta olemukseltaan ja käytökseltään jotakuinkin lähisukulaisia. Muutamia yhtäläisyyksiä: harhailevan tylsä katse (muusta vartalosta HYVIN erottuvat silmät), kiiltävä nahka (suomut / glitteri & muut H&M-, Seppälä-, Gina Tricot-tuotteet), raukea ja hidasliikkeinen olemus (note: pinteestä välttyäkseen myös varsin liukas paikalta liukeneminen tulee kysymykseen), kuviomaisuus (kyljissä & suomuissa / Henna-tatuoinnit & G-stringit!).

 

Where to observe the mind-blowing sight of these bitches? Luonnollisestikaan nämä Pumpattavat Barbarat eivät “liiku” julkisilla paikoilla – mind you: the word is ”hengaavat”! Minkäänlaatuinen omatoiminen fysikaalinen liike ei tule kysymykseenkään, suurelta osin siitä syystä, että nämä leväbarbien kanssasisaret ovat ahtaneet jalkoihinsa korkeimmat mahdolliset kiiltonahkakorkkarit, joita kaupassa on ollut tarjolla – onhan sanomattakin selvää, että ”Pappa betalar”. Sen sijaan, if you’re absolutely convinced to have seen a MOVING teenage-trendy-pop-hip-babe, olen jokseenkin vakuuttunut, että liikkuminen on tapahtunut muutamaa vuotta vanhemman ”amisjäbän” ihQ-bejben kyydissä. (Sanakirjahuomautus: amisjäbän ihQ-bejbe viittaa yleisesti ottaen joko a) pärisevään Manki-mopon losoon tai b) rämisevään bemarin rotiskoon, jota tämä kyseinen nuori sätkähuuli on parhaan taitonsa mukaan yrittänyt ”tuunata” uuteen kuosiin. Karvanopat is one of the must-have accessories in the car!)

 

What is best to do when encountering this monstrous sight of a gang (or an individual) of these “teinibiaaaats-bejbs”? (Useimmiten laumaeläimiä. Ei juuri kohdata (tai kohdella) yksilöinä.) Obviously, the wisest thing to do is to look away. Imagine they don’t even exist and they won’t harm you. The VERY audible giggling-sound they usually make is a great “biaaaaats-alert” warning you of the approaching teen-bejbs.

Yleisesti ottaen on ehkä kuitenkin suositeltavaa tuntea pientä myötätuntoa näitä olioita kohtaan, sillä loppujen lopuksi, it’s just a phase. They’ll get over it. Eventually. And by the way, at least WE know they’re making complete FOOLS of themselves!

There's nothing scarier than something big coming right at ya. I should know: I've been hit by a bus, a running dog and the man of my dreams throwing his heart right to my face. It hit hard. Probably the hardest hit ever...(the dog and the bus were...well, unintentional yes, but to be expected - I mean, gosh, I was dressed in my best attract-every-bloke-on-the-street-and-make-them-dribble -dress.)

 

Yes yes, I can make that happen. I imagine you must be thinking what sort of a dress could possibly have that effect on every man. .....Well, let me ease your mind: here's my recipe for the ultimate killer-look one desires when planning on turning heads on the street (possibly causing a bunch of neck injuries as well....to the poor guys who had no idea what they were about to encounter - before it was too late). May I just first note one thing: having said all that, it becomes obvious that even though, eventually, I was the one to be hit by the bus and the dog (not to mention all the loonies on the street calling themselves gentlemen) - it ALWAYS was the opposite party that got the most severe injuries. ......(such as, a broken heart, the neck injuries mentioned earlier or simply, their minds unable to ever recover from the exquisite sight of the most sensational woman in the country. No other woman could satisfy them ever since. What a destiny!)

 

Now then, the dress.

To be honest, I would be plain and completely ordinary-looking without this dress. It obviously possesses powers impossible for a human being to comprehend. (I still don't comprehend it! And I've had it for 3 years now.) ......The dress is simply luminous in its glory. The fabric is finer than silk, the design extraordinary, the color undescribeable - and the overall beauty is enchanting. It definitely has the power to flatter every single figure, whether you have a shape of a true goddess or a dwarf. It smoothly caresses your curves and kisses every bit of your body with gentleness and class. The dress smolders and makes you look every bit as perfect as you could ever wish for! It's perfection.

 

I can hear your heartbeats rising.... "Where can I get this magical dress?????!" - I may have to disappoint you for the sake of your own sanity: It can no longer be purchased in any store. Yes. It's the simple truth. It was a God's gift to the womankind. Precisely for women like me. Who had nothing and who now, have everything. No matter how big and scary a thing comes at me, I'm always the one to be on the lookout for!

 

Until.

You meet the Man. The Man, who disregards your killer-dress, your fake boobs, your fake tan, your hair extensions and your perfect make-up (isn't it crazy!?)....... - and throws his heart at ya!! Unheard of, but that's what it's gonna happen, I'm telling ya! .....That irresponsible.....and irresistable stallion couldn't care less what his throbbing, outrageous and manly heart is doing to your vulnerable weak one after hitting it hard - like in a car crash (only, it's worse than that). Your heart is crying for mercy, like in the greatest of all torments! You can literally feel how the barriers around you melt and run down on you like an enormous tsunami......and you sink. There's nothing you can do about it but let your crying heart leap over and rush after his cocky, macho heart and figure this: It required no more than a single glance and one little punch and your heart failed the battle. Disgraceful.

 

Now..... there's nothing more left for me to do than, finally, to reveal you what is left of the killer-dress that so helplessly failed to resist that Man. His masculinity. Failed to serve as a barrier - a shelter for my weak little heart.

The remnants of The Dress of a lifetime. My protector of three long years. Before the Day I was bound to meet the Man, who had all what it takes. (I still can't believe that gorgeous dress FAILED! ..... )

 

( http://www.sockdreams.com/_shop/image_upload/product_variety_4280.jpg )

 

Oh. And before I forget to mention...... None of this ever happened.

 

That's Exquisite Pain

Now, I should know what it is like to deal with customers. I have no hesitation whatsoever to share this piece of information with you.

(Served with a hint of exaggeration - naturally.)

Let us begin:

"ONLY." "Limitless Denim."

(La Douleur Exquise, one might just say...or exclaim?..)

-Oh, madam...it says here:

-Tight
-Fit
-Low
-Waist

...since 1995

(Pardon me?? ...TUCKED,...FAT,...NO...TASTE? What's the glossy-lipped saleswoman talking about? How rude is that!? ......Though......seriously, what's going on near her mouth area?..... Is that teeny tiny tattoo supposed to be a fake beauty spot!? ........Gosh, must stop staring.

...Ok....STOP.
Seriously..... .... ... eyeballs will drop.)

-Madam, oh madam...you wish to try these on or not? Surely you do, don't you? ONLY-jeans. Tight, fit, low waist. The latest design. You care to give it a shot?

(What is this woman calling me fat for? ....and what about the "tucked with no taste"-part? I'm not the one with the fake Marilyn Monroe facelift here. And I most definitely have NOT had a tummy tuck! ......But that spot...... is right there........almost malicious-looking. ....Dear God, I can really see it now! ..If only I could lean a little bit closer..... ....... ..... Holy ****.......!!)

-Madam?..., oh GOD, madam!!? .....Here,.....may I lend you a hand?! .....Madam? Madam?? Wouldn't you be more comfortable in a chair or something? Let me get you one....... LUCY!...

(Bollocks. [or how do they say it?] ...Surely I'm no God. I'm telling you, that filly is out of her pretty little mind....[in case she happens to be in possession of one].... God, eh?.....that's practically an insult! I'm definitely not THAT old-looking.... I mean, I'm here to buy a nice new pair of hip-happening... trendy...up-to-date...."totally fab" jeans, aren't I? ......

....So what, if I accidentally stumbled on my face..........[maybe flashing my rear end a bit while plowing newly polished marble floors of her precious "boutique" [mind you: NOT a "shop" or a "store"..... - a boutique.] ......... Now wait a minute....Actually,.... FAKE marble floors!

Plus, there are cracks in the ceiling! [I can see them from where I stand...*cough*... lie]....)

-Madam? Oh madam? Do you hear me??.....You've been lieing there quite a while. .....Would you like a glass of fresh Evian? ......LUCY! Bring the lady a drop of Evian, will you! I think she's not feeling very good....

*Glancing back at her customer*

-Madam?.........Madam??.....Madam! Would you care to come out of there, please? .......Erm, I...I...I need you to come out right now. ...Madam? ....Please come to sit on this chair. ....It's our latest designer purchase....from IKEA. I'm quite convinced you'd be very comfortable here. .....Madam......?? Will you please obey?.......... LUCYYYY!?

(Seriously,.....you would be amazed what one can find from under here! .....Do these fillies that run around here ever bend their Dolce&Gabbana-covered legs [heightened by a glamorous pair of Jimmy Choos] and take a peek under here? .......Well, I guess they hire people to do that. ....Those canaries would probably end up developing severe rheumatism by crouching down like this. .........Which reminds me..... my briefs are still in view. Probably beaming right at the fake Marilyn hovering there behind me.......... Well, what the hell..... .......Besides, I can't bring myself to get a grip of what she's carping about there! .....I mean, who EVER has that kind of a voice?! ................Sounds like a hamster being tortured for the sake of top-secret political information! .....

Tortured by tickling her paws............

Then the voice is taped and - fast forwarded.
......
...
Poor little hamster.............[its fur designed by Dolce&Gabbana. ....With expensive footwear].)

(OHH! ....a dollar!! .......and a half-melted Popsicle!!! *Yummy*)

-Madam? Oh, madam??! Will you PLEASE come out of under the clothes rails!!? I may have to call the manager here if you will not obey right this minute! .................................Madam?!
..........Ohh, there you are madam! What a relief...... *a titter*.....please excuse me, it's just that....I'm soooo relieved right now. We thought you.................... But MADAM?! What on earth is it that you're sucking in your mouth?!.......Oh, dear Lord....... please, let me...... ....Oh, this is unheard of, there might be germs in that or.......or......malaria or something! Surely you'll let me help?... Here, let me take it to the garbage. I'll be back in a mere moment!

(Lord? a Lord??? ....first she's mocking my bodily figure as well as my taste, then calling me an oldie.......and the next thing I know, she's now addressing me as a MAN!? .....Well, excuse me, but I'm a lady.... L-A-D-Y! not a LORD! ..................I've never been ensulted like this in my life!.................... Besides, she obviously couldn't keep her greedy little fingers off my Popsicle! She stole it just like that - these modern day fillies have no manners and definitely no sense of what it means to provide customers with proper customer service!!! ......................Where on earth did she even skitter with my Popsicle? Is she coming back?! What about the jeans I wanted to buy!?!?............ I haven't been presented with one single pair while I've been here........ only insulted and MUGGED!
....

....

Luckily I found that dollar. That will buy me a new Popsicle in the supermarket I saw on the way over here. ......................or a pack of gum! ............ No wait! I want dried mushrooms!!! In those adorable little jars.. .....................Hmmm.........*Yum* I better go buy them right away....)

*Exiting the store. ........the Boutique.*
*Hearing the doorbell clink, the saleswoman rushes back.*

-Oh, madam.....I just tossed that colony of bacteria into the garbage. Now, if you care to pay attention I'll present you with more of our fabil-......................................... (??????) ....But where the.......... How is this...... ..............Where did she disappear!? ..............LUCY! Did you see where that wrinkly old crone went???

......Nope, neither did I! ...... .......My Gosh, did you see what she was wearing?! Looked like a tramp in that leopard-print mini-skirt!!

........haha.... yeah, totally....
........No I assume she was close to seventy.. Yeah, can you believe it!!? .................................
.........................No, but you know what the most horrible part was? .....When she stooped there under the clothes rails I could actually see her briefs under that slutty skirt - and the worst part is.....that there was this innocent little face of HELLO KITTY printed on them!!......and the text "Peek-a-boo!!!!!!"

 

*howling.....(like a tortured hamster in a frying pan)*

......I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE!!!!!